The Lion CC on tour in 2009?

Ok, well maybe not a tour as such – though perhaps a sneaky weekend in Devon to play hullster’s Tivertonian fourteen-fingered brethen might be an idea (bet they’re decent legspinners…), I was thinking more like a couple of fixtures for 2009 at the weekend.

I know the international fame of the Lion CC is already etched into Wisden but it wouldn’t hurt to take the unique Lion brand of cricket to a couple of nice grounds next season. With enough warning to enable us to scrape 11 people together and some organisation (me)…we could play a couple of plum fixtures at, say, Hambledon CC (near Broadpenny Down where the game originated in Hampshire) or by the castle in Arundel, Sussex.

Yes, the Lionettes are a busy squad, fulfilling sponsorship contracts to play in the IPL or Stanford’s sideshow but can they squeeze in a couple of games on a Saturday or Sunday next year? Only time will tell….

Indoor Cricket in January

There’s something inherently wrong about seeing all that wonga for a couple of meaningless games out in the Caribbean in the next weeks. I mean, the mighty Lion CC play for pride and the chance to be placed in pub cricket folklore…

Even so…I did strike me that while England’s already wealthy cricketers top up their accounts over the winter and hopefully get in form to kick the Aussies in 2009, the Lion Squad might need to iron out any minor technical flaws in their game and have a run around themselves. Sadly, I can’t wangle a game against England or A West Indies All Star XI but there is an Indoor League in Canary Wharf from January…

Might be a change from the marathon indoor nets sessions although there could be an issue for some getting to Canary Wharf. Anyhow, here’s the link – if there’s some interest, I can register a team for free and then they’ll let me know when the next league/tournament is – tournaments are over weekends so we can even bring in the Devon Destroyer/Dumpling Hullster if he’s around:

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Lion gets stomache ache from Eel pie

Lion team last night: Powell, Martin, Thomas, Khan, DeBeer (nursing broken bones), Easton (nursing almost broken bones), Friend of Sufs, JF, Dave Allen, Balders, Courtney

Last week, England picked a completely unknown swing bowler by the name of Darren Pattinson. The grimsby roofer, who has played a handful of county games, is still being blamed for his side’s thumping 10-wicket defeat to South Africa. Last night, the Lion selectors controversially selected the unshaven ability of American ‘cricketer’ Ruan for a second successive match.

I point this out not to suggest it is Ruan’s fault we lost. Just that he’s half American and hails from Kent which, much like Pattinson’s inclusion, demoralised the squad and doubtless lead me to bowl 12 balls of such unrivalled bollocks that I went for 0-34 in three overs. That my first over went for just 2 runs says something for the intense psychological pressure we all face whilst playing in a Lion shirt. My elbow tendons twanging like piano strings a few balls in didn’t help either.

So, whilst I peppered the pavilions with wides, Donovan, resplendant in a tubigrip that made him look like a passable South African mummy, bowled some corkers. I don’t have any of the match figures so let us assume he got 2-25, I’m sure he bowled a couple with vicious inswingers and if not, deserved to.

The middle part of the innings saw a tremendous spell of fast bowling from Dave Allen (9-6) who cleaned up a couple of their best batsmen. The Eel Pie, however, have evolved into a young group of lads who will push the Cricketers this year and they tonked it around merrily with Sufyan going for 243 in one over (you gave me out Suf!) before a commendable spell by DT at the end saw Eel Pie just reach 200 (ish).

http://www.germes-online.com/direct/dbimage/50289949/Freeze_Dried_Green_Pea.jpg

These are some peas. I point this out purely because peas are rather good at rolling and so, as it turned out, was the cricket ball delivered by a number of the Eel Pie bowlers - who I imagine are rather good at skittles in their spare time. The innings started with some majestic misses from Balders and classy drives by Mr Powell. Balders departed edging onto his stumps and trudged off, head down, determined for the lovely physio Aileen to rub those hairs back into good working order.

Mr Powell, playing a captain’s innings, was cruelly cut down in his prime by a strange call from Markey M who hit the ball confidently to a fielder some ten feet away and called ‘yes.’ A startled Mr Powell was run out by a direct hit and walked off to contemplate a week of catching stag beetles in South Africa.

Sadly, Mark spent the rest of his innings torturing himself for running out Martyn. This fragile mental state, however, had bog all to do with the pea roller he got that bowled him.

Suf bounced into bat in his usual confident manner but was also badly beaten by another unplayable ball that bounded 47 times en route to his wicket. He still should have hit it for 6…!

Dave Allen, sporting new hedged golden afro, hit some sweet shots before being out much in the same vein to a delivery that beheaded several earth worms. Donovan came and went as did Suf’s mate whose name escapes me but who is a useful bowler.

Ruan’s innings was a strange one. On the one hand, I was umpire and saw him attempt to paddle one to leg and succeeded only in inside edging onto his wicket – but he claims, dubiously it has to be said, that he whacked a sublime square cut in his cameo. As Mr Allen rightly pointed out, someone might have played a square cut at some point but it sure as hell wasn’t Ruan or….Brad Inc. as he is known in New York.

Dom, sporting a sunhat to beat all sunhats, batted like a man freed from the shackles of responsibility. Freeing his arms (which had been caught up in his enormous hat), he biffed, crunched, chipped and heaved and possibly top-scored – including a six that nestled neatly amongst the watching stags.

The last 7 overs saw Jimbo (he of the rowing fraternity) and I lift the score over 100 and enjoy some frenzied swishing at the death. My second-best score in pub cricket and my worst bowling figures…a curate’s egg of a game but great to see everyone and if I can reattach my arm at the elbow, I’ll see you all next week….have a good weekend…..JF

Lion CC skulks off Richmond Green

 

Some matches hold the attention until the last ball. Two teams tussling, competing fiercely and fervently for the right to be called the best. This was not one of them. In cricketing terminology, the Lion politely bent over and was royally spanked by the evil Richmond franchise that are the Cricketers.

A meeting was had in the days before this (mis) match where it was debated, somewhat pointlessly in the end, that the Cricketers always thrashed everyone else and this was just not cricket. But then, we all knew that. For the Lion and I suspect others, it is about taking the odd game off the most professionally-run pub side since Lashings CC. Who can forget James Easton’s defiant 17 off the last over to manage a wholly unexpected tie…?

Though the setting of a splendidly sunny Richmond green, and not a used condom in sight this time, was a major plus. Most of our cricket was not. Dom and I started and bowled pretty tidily by own standards and as it turned out, like the proverbial Glen McGrath when compared to a few brutal overs later in the innings.

It don’t know what it is about Richmond Green but something spooks us. We turn up and start bowling half trackers and beamers when we don’t tend to at Teddington Town CC. A shame really because we’re better than that but what the hell, it’s just an evening thrash (accurate as it turns out).

Needless to say the league leaders punished anything short, wide or balls which defied the need to bounce. Their hundred came up off about 12 overs and they rocketed to 230-odd off their allotted overs which is their largest score in any form of cricket. Ouch. I fielded (in my own humble opinion as well as I have for years) down by the home side who were laughing it up at our expense. Nothing rude but it’s hard not to get excited when you’re rocketing along at 20 an over….Fielding Moment of the Day was Dave Allen (“Hollywood” – no idea why) managing a tremendously athletic run out.

On a treacherous outfield, the Lion gamely sprinted, dived and defended against this assault and pulled it back a little at the end, especially with Mark Martin’s marvellous comeback after an initial over went for 6,000 runs. His doosra, top spinner and doodlebug all working like a charm, he bamboozled his way to 7-13 as we bowled them out for 41. Dammit…I’m talking shite again….

Anyhow, the innings ended with one moment of controversy as one of their batsmen clearly failed to walk after an edge and a glorious catch from Dom. When you’re 185-2 in the 16th over, there’s just no need to cheat. The controversy largely passed me by as I had dived onto the concrete pathway earlier and was inspecting the fact I had shaved several centimetres off my hip bone.

 

Our batting, made from the world’s finest balsa wood, initially fought back with fours fizzing away before Chris defended and dislodged his bails and a marvellous cameo from MP ended after he had carted the ball all over the place.

We battled through to the bitter end scoring 389-0 with Balders managing 461 before being bowled by a 110mph yorker of devasting power. Aka, a slow inviting pie. A few lusty blows were dispatched but sadly we were second best by a long, long, long, long way. And I can’t help feeling that I’m glad I’m playing for the Lion rather than that bunch. And with that, some advice from our chairman Dom in case we are thinking about playing that badly again:

Lion CC v Prince’s Head 2008

Having noted the obvious need to chronicle the courageous Lion’s cricketing fortunes throughout the season, the Lion CC blog is temporarily reactivated. I write this from the 7th floor of a tower block embedded in the bowels of Archway, North London, on a bright Friday morning. The office is temporarily quiet, allowing me to concentrate on the highly competitive game this week against the PH.

The result was on a knife edge right up until Stewart the Kilted Midget spooned a catch in the gloom and we lost by the minimal amount of about 100 runs. Our resident statto Dr Martyn Monty Don Powell has not revealed the scorecard as yet – and I feel he never will, having been winkled out of his crease by a deceptive delivery from a chap called Plum.

Interestingly, I asked the bowler - as he set about filleting our top order - why he had got his fruity misnomer (given that he was clearly not a piece of fruit.) In the true tradition of PH daringness, his surname is Plummer. However, he assured me it was not because his testicles were red. He actually said that. To which I replied, “Erm, good to know…” – a reply that I suspect has portrayed me as a rampant homosexual.

I digress. We started late given that we only had 6 or 7 Lionettes – with Balders being chauffeured to the game by our keeper, Ramps, after the hairest player in world cricket had deigned to disembark from a perfectly good 281 bus. We were a tad expensive in truth - initially going for 100 off 10 overs. But, how we rallied….

I effected a run-out with a camp over-arm throw a teenage girl would have been proud of, the spin twins of Sam – known in cricketing and energy trading circles as ‘Samwise’ and Balders crushed the fight out of the PH. It was Phil Tufnell and Eddie Hemmings all over again. Donovan stepped onto the field having dashed across central London to take a catch for one of two wickets in an over from hairius maximus. ‘The Head’ – as they rather gruesomely call themselves – were in freefall…

Our captain, Martyn - currently studying the mating habits of the four-breasted Jamaican Goolie-Goolie lizard in Chiswick – was at his laconically brilliant self in the field, Dave Allen (having bowled commendably on debut) hared around like an energetic Cornwall surfer with a booming throw and Balders fell over to stop boundaries with his customary poise.

Stewart’s few overs went for 785 runs to his slight disappointment (no scorecard..creative licence) and Dom shuffled in to bag some late wickets as the PH teetered to around 150. Credit must go to President of Lion Global Cricketing Enterprises PLC for bowling with his dodgy ankle that meant his approach to the wicket was not unlike a badger waddling back to its sett after a night out in Blackpool. No idea where I get this stuff from. Anyhow, his late burst wrapped things up and after a slight delay as it got dark, Mark and Martyn ( or Martyn and Mark Martin or Mark Martin and Martyn) went in then got out.

I umpired for 5 overs during which we raced to 15-5 before rallying to around 50 thanks to a quick-fire knock from Donovan and stubborn tail-end wagging from Sam, wielding his bat like a sole lightsabre against the dark forces of the PH.

So, a royal thrashing of the highest order but all good fun and hopefully, I can get down again next week when we can’t possibly lose quite so badly two weeks running…

Fielding at Fine Leg

I have just been cleaning down my PC, as you do when you’re unemployed and have a little too much time on your hands, and came across a piece of cricket writing I self-published on www.lulu.com.

It charts a season for my club (Teddington Town CC) with all the characters and tales that should resonate with every club cricketer up and down the land…think ‘Rain Men’ without the publisher just yet….

Fielding at Fine Leg

The Lion Season 2007 – Incredible Feet

As I lie here in no small discomfort after having had my toes broken and screws inserted in each foot, I thought I would draw the obvious comparison between incredible feet – such as those pictured above, (and no, they’re not mine, as my poor buggers look worse than that) and the incredible feat of the Lion CC in sharing the Plate Final with the Masons Arms.

Ok, so our season ended in a damp squib but it has been a commendably enjoyable few months to which everyone who played have contributed in some small way (you can take that statement literally if Jan Rashid’s batting average is to be believed!)

So, just a brief blog entry (just for Yav!) to say thanks to all the squad and I hope there is some plan in motion for an Awards evening – which I will bound along to after a few weeks of R&R.

I guess the blog will go into hibernation for winter and we’ll see if there is enough demand for its return next season.

There will, however, be a final Awards entry on here at which time the all-important Baldwin business card will be revealed…

Final Countdown

Shout it from the rooftops, the mighty Lion Cricket Club has made the Plate Final! Bring your wives, girlfriends, farmyard animals, pets, golfing buddies, lapdancers, work colleagues, random strangers in pubs and russian brides….

Forget all about jellybeans and Ryan Sidebottom’s hair, Monty’s batting average and Kevin Pietersen’s fatigue. Bushey Park. 3.30pm (I think, check with Martyn!) on Sunday. Whether you’re playing or just selected as chief cheerleader and general beer drinker, it would be a crime against humanity and probably contribute to global warming if you aren’t there to support us.

Guilt trip over. A few facts. In the history of the Lion CC (formerly the Crown CC, formerly the Waldegrave Arms CC), never has a captain, having dropped himself for Lion cricketing duty, won a game from the comfort of his underground laboratory in Kew.

Quite how Martyn managed to persuade the Haymarket captain that we did not in fact only have a team of five and were not a metaphorical sitting duck, I’ll never know. Using some strange sort of voodoo mind control learnt from the Gaboo-boo tribe in Patagonia, he summoned the weather gods to unleash a soggy torrent upon Teddington which prompted the oppo to cry off for both today, tomorrow and any such Sunday shenanigans.

One can only guess what prompted this alarming volte face but by threatening to publish Balders’ business card in every Haymarket publication, I’m fairly sure MP freaked them out. NB: Not knowing quite what shenanigans went on behind the scenes, hoorah for any machiavellian gamesmanship stand-in skipper Dommy played in this marvellous turn of events for the Lion.

We play either the Masons or the Fox on Sunday for a glittering £250,000 cricket ball made out of marshmallow.

Now it is rare for me to print a retraction of any kind on this blog…preferring instead to trust my lawyers (Brar Worldwide, Mumbai). But I must apologise…

Not for mocking most of the Lion squad of 376 over these past weeks but for the shocking presumption that we had finished 7th in the League. This, of course, is an enormous porky. Speaking of which, Balders forwarded some hot women he met online he has been frequenting…

I digress. We actually finished 6th and by nature of our shot at the Plate title, could finish in 5th! Exciting I know, deep breaths…

So, make sure you’re available (Pete Carey, Twickenham can do without any of your century nonsense for an afternoon I’m sure) and if you fail to make the cut, pop down for a squad photo and plenty of drinking…

As Dom might say…..

7th Heaven for Battle-Weary Lionettes

I believe it is still a crime punishable by death to play with the Price’s Head in this country but somehow, we got away with it again….

Our last match on Richmond Green mattered only in the sense that we needed to turn up (already guaranteed 7th place), play like buffoons and enjoy the marvellous, voluptuous scenery (except me as I prefer Scotland) – in this regard, we triumphed quite spectacularly.

Martyn, in his last match as skipper before the play-off lottery, decided to revolve the batting line-up - having chosen to bat first given that only half his team had appeared by half six. In a bold, innovative though sadly unsuccessful gamble, he gave the rusty rump of the Lion’s batting a welcome dusting down by opening with Balders and Owen. Balders, perhaps sensing some Churchillian act of bravery, was a picture of confidence….

For the first over or so, all appeared calm. Balders defended with his breasts and the bat as well as cuffing a glorious cover drive. Owen, on debut, and looking a little like he had smoked a kilo of Amsterdam’s finest marijuana, tried to hit the ball so hard he almost took off. It was amusing and lasted a few overs before the Lion’s ‘lemming’ tendancies began to surface. First Owen (4) was bowled by a half tracker that he stepped away from (see, not just me…) and watched as it reluctantly hit the stumps.

Mike wandered in and was somehow stumped off the widest ball ever to have been bowled in any form of cricket in England. Mike (quack) was still trying to hit it as the fielder at ‘point’ went to pick it up!

Yav, sporting those atlantic ocean-blue and canary yellow shoes (hand stitched by 1,000 minions from his Indian plantation back home), scored a stoic 0 off several overs, only to be bowled by another that shot through at ankle height. Markey M displaying all the guts the surgeon left behind lasted about as long before a pea shooter nearly removed a toe en route to his off stump. At this stage, we were in the enviable position of being 15-4.

Marshall, another new recruit, looking not unlike NZ’s Tana Umaga (Brian O’Driscoll will remember him even if you lot don’t), spanked a quick 12 before holing out to mid-on and a score of 40 looked possible.

Balders, having hung around like some cussed Yorkshireman for his admirable 13 off 33, was stumped, Naz hit a classy 17 before slashing to point and Dom brought some nice impetus to proceedings with a rapid 25 before being bowled. It was an impressive recovery of sorts and that saw me stride out to join MP. Our skipper’s impetuous 10 not out poured scorn on all those doubters that compared him to Phil Tufnell with the bat and my one textbook drive saw us over the 100. I swished for a few balls of the last over and Simon came in for the last of the regular season.

A score of 106-9 would be tough against the PH on their home dog turd of a pitch but we had a good start with my best spell of the pub league (1-8); aided by a gob-smacking catch by Mark at gully. Literally gob smacking, such was the amazement etched across his face at the time. Dom (0-21) and Owen (0-26) were tucked into then Simon (1-21) claimed our 2nd wicket with another snaffle by ‘oven mits’ Martin.

As the gloomy fingers of night reached down to wring the last drops of light out of the day  (we were still playing at 8.45pm), Naz (0-9) and Mike (0-11) bowled fiercely to dry up the runs but the PH rather unconvincingly got home to win by 7 wkts.

 

Mentioned in dispatches….

- We play Haymarket next week in the plate semi at TTCC on Tues.

- Balders, who left his trousers behind, went to M&S to buy the campest linen ones he could find, subsequently left them in the pub as a momento so if anyone fancies some Lion memorabilia from the game, you know where to go…

- Marshall wins Man of the Match for a useful batting display when we needed it and some truly outstanding fielding

- I am going on a third date at the weekend (hoorah!) – that’s three dates with one woman, we can’t all shag ‘willy nilly’ like Penfold does.

- Yav has invited Mark Martin for a hot date in Reading -  watch this space….

- A pre-season cricket tour over a long w/e to Mallorca is on the agenda

- 19 Balls pub crawl to be decided and a glittering Awards evening will be decided soon by the committee

- The captaincy for next season looks like being a two-horse race at this stage with Martyn seemingly happy to hand over the prestigous honour after the standard one-term office. Balders and Donovan have both expressed an interest.

Balders advocates coloured clothing, rub-downs before and after matches by topless czech ladies and a personal business card tuition from the master himself if he becomes skipper.

Donovan wants compulsory beer on the pitch at all times and biltong….

so………………Donovan wins then…..

Ginger Ninja commits hari-kiri for noble Lion cause

Before I recount a syntillating display from all quarters in a superb, gloriously dramatic and all round tremendous Lion tour de force against the Eel Pie, a word on Sam. Is it true that the rambunctious energy trader once fluttered a cool £1m in swedish offshore wind for one brief, passing moment with Nadine’s cleavage? Who’s to say? What I do know is that once an international squad of 12 had been assembled for this game, he nobly gave up his place to our skipper MP in an act that merely enhancing Sam’s legendary status in the Hampton Wick vicinity. He is known only as the ‘Quizmaster’ to his fellow nunchaku-wielding fraternity of assasins but to us at the Lion, he is an officer and a gentleman…

So to the game and having sorted out 11 fine men and true, we bowled first and Donovan (0-10) and I (0-7) bounded in like spring chickens. Backed up by brave fielding, especially when Donovan threw his kneecap in the way of one off my pies, they really struggled to hit the ball off the square. It was already dark but we stuck to our task well. Mike (0-17) started well but was hit around a little once he started pitching the ball at his showlaces while Dommy (1-18) continued his push to be the leading wicket taker for the mighty Lion CC.

Balders, clearly glowing after a six-hour orgy with Helga from Prague, a tub of lard and an electric cattle prod, bowled like a womble possessed (0-11) while Pete (1-19) had a good peformance with the ball but was clearly shown up by the talented baboon at the other end. Naz, had two cracking overs that only went for 8 as the Eel Pie closed on 102-2.

 In a bid to bolster a fragile technique that has had Boycott tutting away on Sport5 Live, Martyn opened with Pete (34*) but was bowled for a quacker….and he returned to the pavilion not unlike this….

In I strode, suffering from vertigo at number 3 but shunned the helmet after realising my glasses and my head would not both fit in it. In a display in which I almost passed as a bone fide batsman, I hit 11 before running out of the way of one that I thought was coming for my head but in truth, would have hit me in the knee. A devious doodlebug but no matter as in came Jan Rashid, he of the burgeoning batting average. But it was not to be 4 and out tonight as he nudged then biffed his way to a vital 24 before holing out to cover. Pete, meanwhile quietly accumulated and in wandered Naz to try and help us over the finishing line.

Pete and Naz, against a good attack, were forced to run singles and twos but a really important six from Naz with only an over to go meant we needed three off six. Naz was run out on the fifth ball as the scores were tied and Dom ambled on, a picture of concentration – no wondering how his vegetable crop is faring in this unseasonable weather tonight, no sir, he gloved one to point and ran like hell…hoooooooooooorah!

And who said the Lion couldn’t roar again….??

Summary….

1 – Three cheers for Sam

2 – Balders was crushed by Nadine’s clear lack of chest stroking

3 – Martyn fielded like a golden-armed genius

4 – Mark Martyn’s guts are intact despite that heroic dive

5 – Yav likes driving across three counties to wear those brown trainers and watch it rain

6 – I am being rubbed down next week…..HOOOOOOOOOORAHHH!

7 – MP has a selection headache with the Masons game looming next Weds – does he drop himself down after Balders?

8 – With the worrying possibility that his business cards are losing their allure, Balders has taken to leaving laptops on trains with dubious pictures of him in a bath of baked beans. Yuk.

9 – Pete has faced Shane Bond but admits to being terrified of facing the three Ronnies of Mark Martin, Sam and Balders…can you blame him?!

10 – Officially bricking it about my best man speech – I kick off with a dodgy toilet gag…triumph or disaster? We’ll see….