Lion team last night: Powell, Martin, Thomas, Khan, DeBeer (nursing broken bones), Easton (nursing almost broken bones), Friend of Sufs, JF, Dave Allen, Balders, Courtney
Last week, England picked a completely unknown swing bowler by the name of Darren Pattinson. The grimsby roofer, who has played a handful of county games, is still being blamed for his side’s thumping 10-wicket defeat to South Africa. Last night, the Lion selectors controversially selected the unshaven ability of American ‘cricketer’ Ruan for a second successive match.
I point this out not to suggest it is Ruan’s fault we lost. Just that he’s half American and hails from Kent which, much like Pattinson’s inclusion, demoralised the squad and doubtless lead me to bowl 12 balls of such unrivalled bollocks that I went for 0-34 in three overs. That my first over went for just 2 runs says something for the intense psychological pressure we all face whilst playing in a Lion shirt. My elbow tendons twanging like piano strings a few balls in didn’t help either.
So, whilst I peppered the pavilions with wides, Donovan, resplendant in a tubigrip that made him look like a passable South African mummy, bowled some corkers. I don’t have any of the match figures so let us assume he got 2-25, I’m sure he bowled a couple with vicious inswingers and if not, deserved to.
The middle part of the innings saw a tremendous spell of fast bowling from Dave Allen (9-6) who cleaned up a couple of their best batsmen. The Eel Pie, however, have evolved into a young group of lads who will push the Cricketers this year and they tonked it around merrily with Sufyan going for 243 in one over (you gave me out Suf!) before a commendable spell by DT at the end saw Eel Pie just reach 200 (ish).
http://www.germes-online.com/direct/dbimage/50289949/Freeze_Dried_Green_Pea.jpg
These are some peas. I point this out purely because peas are rather good at rolling and so, as it turned out, was the cricket ball delivered by a number of the Eel Pie bowlers - who I imagine are rather good at skittles in their spare time. The innings started with some majestic misses from Balders and classy drives by Mr Powell. Balders departed edging onto his stumps and trudged off, head down, determined for the lovely physio Aileen to rub those hairs back into good working order.
Mr Powell, playing a captain’s innings, was cruelly cut down in his prime by a strange call from Markey M who hit the ball confidently to a fielder some ten feet away and called ‘yes.’ A startled Mr Powell was run out by a direct hit and walked off to contemplate a week of catching stag beetles in South Africa.
Sadly, Mark spent the rest of his innings torturing himself for running out Martyn. This fragile mental state, however, had bog all to do with the pea roller he got that bowled him.
Suf bounced into bat in his usual confident manner but was also badly beaten by another unplayable ball that bounded 47 times en route to his wicket. He still should have hit it for 6…!
Dave Allen, sporting new hedged golden afro, hit some sweet shots before being out much in the same vein to a delivery that beheaded several earth worms. Donovan came and went as did Suf’s mate whose name escapes me but who is a useful bowler.
Ruan’s innings was a strange one. On the one hand, I was umpire and saw him attempt to paddle one to leg and succeeded only in inside edging onto his wicket – but he claims, dubiously it has to be said, that he whacked a sublime square cut in his cameo. As Mr Allen rightly pointed out, someone might have played a square cut at some point but it sure as hell wasn’t Ruan or….Brad Inc. as he is known in New York.
Dom, sporting a sunhat to beat all sunhats, batted like a man freed from the shackles of responsibility. Freeing his arms (which had been caught up in his enormous hat), he biffed, crunched, chipped and heaved and possibly top-scored – including a six that nestled neatly amongst the watching stags.
The last 7 overs saw Jimbo (he of the rowing fraternity) and I lift the score over 100 and enjoy some frenzied swishing at the death. My second-best score in pub cricket and my worst bowling figures…a curate’s egg of a game but great to see everyone and if I can reattach my arm at the elbow, I’ll see you all next week….have a good weekend…..JF
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